Fears…

Hi Again! I created this blog with the thought in mind that I could post funny and witty little blurbs about my life and times because, let’s face it, my life is just one big comedy of errors. But here I sit, not really feeling funny or witty. I am afraid…apparently of a lot of things. That is a statement that hasn’t come out of my mouth (uh…you know what I mean…)since I was about 5. Truly. All my fears are kept to myself, because I have to be the strong fearless one…for everyone. My Mom started it about, oh I dunno, 25 years or so ago. And let’s not forget the baby (by 7 years) sister. And it just kinda stuck, it became who I was. Never let ’em know you’re afraid, or sad or weak. Actually, I think it was my schoolmates from about 3rd grade on that cemented it…anywho, no fear…it is a weakness-no sadness, it is a weakness-and definitely no weakness should ever be shown – EVER – FOR ANY REASON! To be fair, I guess I have to thank my first three husbands for reinforcing the fact that any weakness is fair game, and any fear disclosed is reason for ridicule…another story entirely.

So, though I have felt, and do feel, fear frequently, this is the first admisssion in a long, loooooong time.

What am I afraid of? you ask…well, lotsa things…I am afraid my husband will go to work, or the race track, or our friends one day, and I will never see him alive again. People are killed EVERY DAY on highways and roads, and he spends 10-12 hours a day on those roads. What would I do then? How would I be able to raise a normal and healthy son without a father..? Not that he’s likely to be “normal” even with a father…we always say we’re not saving for his college, but rather for his therapy…but that’s beside the point. Could I do it? Everyone thinks I’m so strong, and I guess I am, but…wow.

I’m afraid I’ll kiss my boy good-bye and go to work, and some horrible thing will happen and that wonderful, marvelous, spectacular, exasperating child will be gone from my life. It almost makes me cry just to type that and I’m not a crier…not even anything that remotely resembles one, either.

I’m afraid I don’t know how to do this Mommy thing, and I’ll screw it up royally. Am I hurting him for life because I have to go to work to pay the bills? Should we move to a lesser home, lesser vehicles, so I can stay home with him? Would that cause even more damage…cuz let’s face it, I’m not the most patient person on the planet…what’s the lesser evil…livin’ in “the hood” and having me home, or living in a safe area, but not having access to me all day every day..?

I’m afraid I’ll lose my job, and by extension, our health insurance, which we can actually AFFORD through my company, but really can’t through hubby’s. I have quite a few health issues…asthma, GERD, (possibly) fibromyalgia, and these headaches, actually I should say headache, that doesn’t go away…ever…and has been my constant companion for about the last 15 years or so. My hubby has GERD & diabetes, and migraines that can take him to his knees in a flash. Almost all of these require regular prescriptions…Thankfully our boy seems to be extremely healthy…as of today he’s 5 and hasn’t even ever taken an antibiotic…colds here & there, a bout of the flu, but that’s expected since he does interact with other children regularly. We need the insurance we can afford…and then how do we pay all of those other godawful bills?

I’m afraid I’ll make an ass of myself, and never live it down. I make an ass of myself regularly, but as far as anyone knows, it’s intentional. I love to make people laugh and I’m not afraid to laugh at myself (Huh – a non-fear !?!). I hate to see folks down in the dumps, or upset and feel it is my personal responsibilty to “fix” it. (That “strong” thing again)

I’m afraid people won’t like me. Well, that one is kinda loaded, because in my “me” I really truly don’t care if you like me or not, no matter who you are. But in the little part inside, the part I have no control over, I want people to like me…doesn’t everyone..? I don’t lose sleep over it, it rarely enters my consiousness, but every once in a while it rears it’s ugly head, and I get my feelbads hurt. Not that anyone would ever know, cuz that would be a weakness…

I’m afraid that something will happen to me, when I am alone with my sweetboy, and he’ll find me, and be messed up for life…that he would always feel it was his fault even though it isn’t. I’m afraid my husband would lose it if something happened to me, and be unable to cope, or comfort our son, or raise him lovingly. I’m afraid that I would lose it if the situation was reversed, and that I would be having issues.

Huh…I guess that’s enough morbidity for now. I guess I’ll end this here, I may be back later, hopefully in a better frame of mind.

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