Archive for the ‘Fears’ Category


May 28, 2009

Some worthwhile, reasonable, uplifting thoughts herein. Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio. 

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.  It is the most-requested column I’ve ever written." My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
8. It’s OK to get angry with God/dess. S/He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.  Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ”In five years, will this matter?".
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God/dess loves you because of who God/dess is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative – dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.
Remember that I will always share my spoon with you! Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves.


Doctor Follow-up

April 30, 2009

-I’d like to thank The Vinyl Villager for this post. I started to reply to the comment he left on yesterday’s post and about the time I got to *** I realized I wasn’t “commenting” I was essentially writing a post…LOL

Here’s his comment:

Hope you all have a clean bill of health! I friggin hate going to the doctor…

Unfortunately for me, I have several "ongoing issues" – the fibromyalgia, and headaches that apparently have no basis in anything any kind of test can find, but that essentially never go away :(. I do however take a medication that, for a short time, make them ALMOST gone…of it’s a narcotic, and despite having taken it for almost 20 years now, but NONE while pregnant with the boy 🙂 – when I move from Terre Haute to Indy it took a while to find a doctor who believed I wasn’t a drug addict. When he moved about 7 years ago, it took another two years, maybe three, to find my current doc, and we had several run-ins before I finally convinced him I wasn’t hooked on it or abusing it. It took me not taking any for two months (confirmed by blood tests), and me almost (and really, really, realllllly wanting to) literally coming to blows with one of the other providers in the office to do it (that incident may be an upcoming post, actually…). Wow, that was more than you were looking for, huh..? Anywhoooo, he added a high blood pressure med for me (no idea why my blood pressure would be high…) and refilled all the other crap I needed (I take about 8 or 9 different meds).

Hunny, on the other hand, not so good*** (a bit much for a “comment, huh..? although I have left longer ones…*grin*). For those who don’t know Hunny is diabetic. This is a recent discovery (about a year & a half ago, when he went for his DOT physical, his sugar was high, so they refused to ‘stamp’ it & sent him to the doctor. The test they do to determine what the average has been for like the last 2-3 months, called an A1C That’s A one C) came back at like 10% or 11% . According to Diabetes Health “The normal level of A1C in people without diabetes is approximately 4% to 6%. In 1994, the ADA began recommending specific A1C treatment goals based on the results of the DCCT. From that time on, the goal for most people with diabetes has been less than 7%. Each 1% change in A1C represents a change of approximately 35 mg/dl in average blood glucose. Not good. He was started on Janumet & Actos, changed his diet, and was doing very well. His blood sugar readings were running between 85 and 140ish – not GREAT but not really bad either. But then, shit happened, and happened some more, and of course, much most of the rest of the general population, we are having the regular how-the-Hell-do-I-pay-all-these-bills-with-this little-bit-of-money? stuff going on. They’ve cut hime back to about 40 to 45 hours a week (Hunny is your atypical, 1950’s sorta guy. Even though I work, and we have more of a partnership than most in a lot of ways, in his head it’s still his responsibility to not only pay all the bills, but also support me in the style I’d like to become accustomed to…) SO, the stress went up, and his attention to his health went down….He finally decided to start checking his sugars again MONDAY – ‘cuz we had doctor appointments on Wednesday. The first reading..? 465!!!  For those who have no clue what that means, an average person’s sugars run 80 – 90 on average. See a problem here..? So he now has another medication, and a bunch more stress. Stress raises blood sugar. Vicious cycle. Why stress..? Well, to begin with HE COULD DIE FROM THIS. In addition (‘cuz yanno that’s not enough…) if he has to start taking insulin shots, he could lose his job. The Federal government say that if you are diabetic, and you take insulin shots, you can’t hold a CDL…although there is a small glimmer. It seems that if you don’t go out of state/over the road (he doesn’t) you can get a waiver. “That’s Wonderful” you say. Did I mention that the waiver has an associated cost (because what government related anything doesn’t?) $2700 a year. Every year. Where’s my bailout..?

*sigh* why do all my “pots of gold at the end of the rainbow” turn out to be filled with coal..? Oh well, such is life. Either we’ll get by or we won’t : )

There’s more…the boy got a Z pack & a blood draw (still waiting on results), and seems to be doing much better, as I said, more to come : )

Gotta go, the boy gets off the bus in about 10 minutes & I’m sitting here in my underwear, letting the new ink air out *grin*

See ya laterzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!   

The last few days….

November 10, 2008

In my continuing effort to keep those who have faith in me (ha-ha) from looking bad, here I am again. Although it’s pretty bad that the only way to get me to post is psychological blackmail, so to speak…but hey, whatever it takes, I guess.

I have been riding a roller coaster stress-wise the past few days. as I said earlier, we have to move. We thought for minit yesterday that maybe we wouldn’t have too, but speaking for myself, not really. My Hunny is a bit more of a trusting soul than I am, sweet man that he is. You see, we met with the folks that we are currently renting from, in an effort to come to an agreement we could all live with. A little background…

When we found this house we were very excited. It has the potential to be a very nice house. Mind you, I said potential…It is relatively new, built in the last ten years, I’d say. But it’s has also been "rode hard and put away wet" if you know what I mean. Apparently the first owners were unable to keep it. Because they allowed themselves to get into a situation they were unable to maintain, they felt compelled to cause as much damage as possible before they left…The folks we got it from had done quite a bit of fix-it-up, but there’s a whole bunch left to be done. Bad carpet. Damn near every interior door has a hole in it. A whole bunch of the shelving has been torn down – mind you, I didn’t say taken down I said torn down as in there are big holes in many walls where shelves originally lived. There are also just holes in the walls for no apparent reason. One bedroom has had the window painted black with something that I can’t seem to get off of it…well, here, look at a few pics…

closet door  

This is the door to my closet. As you can see, the hole goes all the way through the door….

Boy's door

This is the door to my boy’s bedroom…


The "painted" window. A side note here – my boy HATES this room. If the door is left even slightly ajar, he will pull it closed. Also the doorknob is "backwards," the lock is on the outside of the door. It’s kinda creepy that not only was the window painted black, but the room was also set up to keep someone IN…


This is the floor around our water heater. We think it broke & flooded at some point, and the floor was left as it was. The kitchen light, directly below it was fixed, kinda…

kitchen light

I mean technically, it was fixed, but I’m not sure for how long….

carpet stain 

more stains

carpet bubbles

And finally, our stained & "bubbled up" carpet – have you ever tried to vacuum carpet that isn’t securely attached to the floor underneath it..? It’s a bitch, lemme tell ya…

In addition to all this, we have had to repair the toilets – at our cost – three times, there is no water pressure in the downstairs of the home,

faucet on high

This is my kitchen faucet ON HIGH…

no screens on any of the windows, there isn’t even a garage door opener installed…Now, understand, these things aren’t in themselves our complaint. It was like this when we moved in, and we felt none of it made the house unlivable, and we were willing to deal with it for the reduced rent we were paying (although I really have trouble calling $800 a month reduced…). We were told if we made repairs, we could take it off the rent, as long as it wasn’t a whole bunch all at once. Also good with that. Then it sold. The buyers assured us, sitting in our living room, while looking us in the eye, that they knew we wanted to stay here indefinitely – with purchase by us as the eventuality, they weren’t going to raise the rent, we could make repairs & deduct from rent, and everything would stay the same. This is the delusion we’ve been living under…

When I took the rent check to their home, I included a letter requesting the lease renewal be done early so we didn’t have to mess with it during the holidays, and requesting it be an extended lease, with our preference being a five year term. I my head, there should have been no problem, based on the conversation we had with them prior to this….Silly me.

Here’s the response I got:  

i just wanted to let you know we recieved the payment and note from the mail box, Thank you.  We are in the process of working up a new lease, unfortunatly we cannot go into a 5 yr lease.  Also i need to put out there to you that the new monthly lease will be increasing from 800/mo to 925/mo.  While we appriciate you living there as the tenants and we can count on you to take care of the dwelling, we did buy this to be an investment property and we have checked around and rent is going for 300-400 more than what your paying now.  We were actually getting ready to contact you about the new lease info when we read your note.  We should have the new lease agreement typed up and ready for you to look over by this Sunday Nov 9, i can either drop it off or attach it to an email.  once you look it over, if you could just let us know what you decide by Nov 30.

(the spelling errors are theirs, I just copy/pasted it.)

Now, does that sound to you like someone who meant any of the statements made above…? Bearing in mind they haven’t done anything to the house. Which is actually fine, I can live in it the way it is, but I’ll be DAMNED if I’m paying MORE for it…What this email told me was:

a) Keeping us as tenants (never late on rent, making repairs at our own expense, etc.) wasn’t even worth a phone call.
b) They are consummate liars, as we believed what they said
c) They really aren’t concerned with keeping us as tenants at all, nor do they intend to sell us the house in the future as they had said they would, or why would there be a problem with an extended lease..?
d) We have to move, again. In December, again. No birthday party for my boy, again. Jacked up Christmas, again.

I stopped payment on the rent check. My self-preservation instincts are dominant in a situation like this…Apparently I need that money to move. And based on all the lies we had been told in the past, it was a safe bet we’d never get our deposit back (this has been since somewhat proven, as you’ll see).

Yesterday, we contacted them to meet and see if we could come to terms. I had the money for the rent in my pocket, in cash. What it came to was they offered us $850 a month (I’m willing to do that). We asked for something in writing, (protecting us from him saying one thing & doing something else, again). He assured us he was going home to prepare the new lease. He would then email it to us, last night. We would sign it & I would bring a copy to them, along with the rent & the $10 fee their bank charged them for the stop payment. Good deal, we don’t have to move! Silly me…

We hadn’t been home half an hour when Hunny’s phone rang. He couldn’t get the agreement done as the Colts were coming on, and he didn’t have time (?) But he’d have it done "sometime next week." Also, there was an NSF fee of $60 (again, huh?) that he wanted us to pay. Oh yeah, and we were supposed to either pay the rent then, without any form of surety, or we could pay $40 a day late fee until he completed the paperwork…

My Hunny had asked during that meeting if he was a man of his word, was his handshake good? and this man AGAIN looked us in the eye and lied to us. I told him I was willing to pay the rent, the $10 fee, and half of the NSF. I think that’s fair. He was very adamant that they had no intention of making us feel that we were being forced to up the rent or get out. My opinion..? If that’s true then you own equal responsibility for the fruits of your acts, and you can pay half your fee. I was willing to do that if he kept his word & provided us a new lease that evening. He called it blackmail, I called it keeping your word. Needless to say, it didn’t go well. He proceeded to tell me he couldn’t pay half the fee as he didn’t have the $30 dollars….

Now that opens up a whole new world in my head…How come you didn’t have the amount of a month’s mortgage payment put back in that account, in case something happened..? Renters default on rent all the time. I sure as Hell would have – had the payment put back, not defaulted *grin*. And where’s the money you’re supposed to be returning to me as my deposit..? Shouldn’t that be put in an untouched account, so it can be returned..? And once you found rent wasn’t being paid you could use that to cover yourself if you didn’t have the brains to have a payment at hand at all times…This is not the only rental property they have, and she works at a BANK  so they don’t even have inexperience as an excuse for any of that.

And really, if I didn’t have $30 dollars to pay half of an NSF fee, that I have to pay either way…and someone was offering me not only the other half of it, but another $810, why wouldn’t someone with fully functioning brain cells accept it..? Hello..? You don’t have $30, how are you going to make your house payment..? And if I choose to keep possession of the property until you evict me, how are you going to pay the next one, and the one after, not to mention pay for the eviction proceedings..?


Anywho, ok, I’ve posted. LOL now I have to go get ready for work, going on very little sleep (I can’t shut my brain down easily in normal conditions, the last few days, if the slightest thing wakes me in the night – and something always does – I’m awake for an hour with all this crap swirling around in my head…)

Ok gotta go,

See ya laterzzzzzzzzzzzz!

In defense of those who sent you here…

November 7, 2008

As I am visiting my regular reads, it suddenly dawned on me that I have been placed in a couple of people’s blog rolls. Damm. Pressure. That means, in order to keep them from looking bad for having recommended my blog, I am obligated to post something here. Preferably something not useless and boring drivel, which might be a trick….

*Sigh* Ok, here goes. I am working on getting my cubicle at work decorated for the holidays, turning a deaf ear to "It’s way too early for that (while pointing at said decorations)", "It’s not even Thanksgiving yet!" and "Are you kidding me?"s. On a positive note I have also been asked if I’d "be offended" (huh?) if a co-worker started decorating, and been told I am "just filling me (the speaker) with the spirit!" All of which tends to lend strength to my "Holiday Spirit" theory. *Grin* I figger "What the Hell..? I probably won’t get to decorate at home…" You know, the whole landlordliedtoourfacesandhasnowruinednotonlyChristmasbutalsotheboy’sbirthdaycuzwehaftamoveagain thing…

So, honestly, it’s really hard for me to be entertaining right now – if I even ever am…I’m not one to snivel or whine, as you know if you come here even kinda regularly. Matter-of-fact, I have very little tolerance for snivelers…but DAMM I’m tired of fighting just a step ahead and then be slammed back four. We really thought we were going to stay here and eventually buy this house. So much for that. And as someone who went to 17 different schools, and someone who has no "life long friends" as a result, I don’t want that for my boy. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got friends that have been there for a long time, but it’s not the same as knowing someone from the time you were able to know – did that make sense..? I think it did…

Okay, outta time for now, gotta get the boy dressed & ready for the bus & myself to the work. I’ll try to keep posting fairly regularly – I wouldn’t want to make anyone recommending my blog look bad…

See ya laterzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! ! ! !


April 5, 2008

Hi Again! I created this blog with the thought in mind that I could post funny and witty little blurbs about my life and times because, let’s face it, my life is just one big comedy of errors. But here I sit, not really feeling funny or witty. I am afraid…apparently of a lot of things. That is a statement that hasn’t come out of my mouth (uh…you know what I mean…)since I was about 5. Truly. All my fears are kept to myself, because I have to be the strong fearless one…for everyone. My Mom started it about, oh I dunno, 25 years or so ago. And let’s not forget the baby (by 7 years) sister. And it just kinda stuck, it became who I was. Never let ’em know you’re afraid, or sad or weak. Actually, I think it was my schoolmates from about 3rd grade on that cemented it…anywho, no fear…it is a weakness-no sadness, it is a weakness-and definitely no weakness should ever be shown – EVER – FOR ANY REASON! To be fair, I guess I have to thank my first three husbands for reinforcing the fact that any weakness is fair game, and any fear disclosed is reason for ridicule…another story entirely.

So, though I have felt, and do feel, fear frequently, this is the first admisssion in a long, loooooong time.

What am I afraid of? you ask…well, lotsa things…I am afraid my husband will go to work, or the race track, or our friends one day, and I will never see him alive again. People are killed EVERY DAY on highways and roads, and he spends 10-12 hours a day on those roads. What would I do then? How would I be able to raise a normal and healthy son without a father..? Not that he’s likely to be “normal” even with a father…we always say we’re not saving for his college, but rather for his therapy…but that’s beside the point. Could I do it? Everyone thinks I’m so strong, and I guess I am, but…wow.

I’m afraid I’ll kiss my boy good-bye and go to work, and some horrible thing will happen and that wonderful, marvelous, spectacular, exasperating child will be gone from my life. It almost makes me cry just to type that and I’m not a crier…not even anything that remotely resembles one, either.

I’m afraid I don’t know how to do this Mommy thing, and I’ll screw it up royally. Am I hurting him for life because I have to go to work to pay the bills? Should we move to a lesser home, lesser vehicles, so I can stay home with him? Would that cause even more damage…cuz let’s face it, I’m not the most patient person on the planet…what’s the lesser evil…livin’ in “the hood” and having me home, or living in a safe area, but not having access to me all day every day..?

I’m afraid I’ll lose my job, and by extension, our health insurance, which we can actually AFFORD through my company, but really can’t through hubby’s. I have quite a few health issues…asthma, GERD, (possibly) fibromyalgia, and these headaches, actually I should say headache, that doesn’t go away…ever…and has been my constant companion for about the last 15 years or so. My hubby has GERD & diabetes, and migraines that can take him to his knees in a flash. Almost all of these require regular prescriptions…Thankfully our boy seems to be extremely healthy…as of today he’s 5 and hasn’t even ever taken an antibiotic…colds here & there, a bout of the flu, but that’s expected since he does interact with other children regularly. We need the insurance we can afford…and then how do we pay all of those other godawful bills?

I’m afraid I’ll make an ass of myself, and never live it down. I make an ass of myself regularly, but as far as anyone knows, it’s intentional. I love to make people laugh and I’m not afraid to laugh at myself (Huh – a non-fear !?!). I hate to see folks down in the dumps, or upset and feel it is my personal responsibilty to “fix” it. (That “strong” thing again)

I’m afraid people won’t like me. Well, that one is kinda loaded, because in my “me” I really truly don’t care if you like me or not, no matter who you are. But in the little part inside, the part I have no control over, I want people to like me…doesn’t everyone..? I don’t lose sleep over it, it rarely enters my consiousness, but every once in a while it rears it’s ugly head, and I get my feelbads hurt. Not that anyone would ever know, cuz that would be a weakness…

I’m afraid that something will happen to me, when I am alone with my sweetboy, and he’ll find me, and be messed up for life…that he would always feel it was his fault even though it isn’t. I’m afraid my husband would lose it if something happened to me, and be unable to cope, or comfort our son, or raise him lovingly. I’m afraid that I would lose it if the situation was reversed, and that I would be having issues.

Huh…I guess that’s enough morbidity for now. I guess I’ll end this here, I may be back later, hopefully in a better frame of mind.