Archive for the ‘Humor?’ Category

Erm…

April 25, 2009

It’s a beautiful day. The sun is shining, a breeze is blowing. You find you have to go somewhere, so you get in your car, open the sunroof & off you go. Sunglasses on. Wind in your hair. Music loud. Sun shining down through the open sunroof. Cruising down the interstate at 70, 60, the speed limit of 55…

**Note to self: When you find yourself in the above described situation, not the best time to decide your windshield needs washed….

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50 Random Things

March 26, 2009

Shamelessly stolen from The Vinyl Villager *grin*

 

1) Favorite object in your room?
My room..? I haven’t had “a room” since I moved out of my parents’ house too many years ago to admit to…the favorite in my home – it’s a toss up between the dragon lamp on my desk and the “creepy” (as Hunny calls it) statue that to me is a representation of the Goddess (I’ll try to up a pic soon…)

2) Do you smoke?
I’ve been known to.

3) Do you own guns?
I used to

4) What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?
Never been there

5) Do you get nervous at the doctors?
No, should I..?

6) What do you think of when you hear hot dogs?
What are they saying..?.

7) Favorite song?
Can’t pick just one…

8.) What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Prefer..? what is there besides Coffee?

9) Can you do push ups?
Probably.

10) Can you do a chin up?
Probably

11) What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?
My wedding ring

12) Your pet peeves are?
We don’t really have all day do we? But I tend to agree with Villager – I guess my biggest one is people who drive in the left lane for miles even when they are being passed on the right….oblivious to the fact that they ought to move over.

13) Ever been in a car wreck?
Yes

14) Do you like to work on your Birthday?
Like to..? No. Do I..? Usually

15) What’s one trait that you hate about yourself?
Hate takes entirely too much energy to maintain…

16) Are you named after anyone?
Not that I know of

17) Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.
Tired
Know I won’t sleep well 😦
Tomorrow it all begins again

19) Name 3 drinks you drink regularly
water, coffee, and Coke

20)What’s your job?
Listening to stoopid people whine about problems that are entirely of their own making – and occasionally helping someone who truly has a legitimate problem not of their own making

21) Current hate right now?
See answer 15

23) Do your friend’s love you?
I think so

23) How did you bring in the New Year?
I’m pretty sure I was asleep – I had to be at work at 9 New Year’s Day

24) Where would you like to be right now?
Right where I am 🙂

25) Name three people who will complete this.
No idea.

26) Are you one of those people that thinks and talks about their life being unfair?
Nope! I am where I am because of the choices I made – just like everyone else. Quit sniveling, you did it to yourself, so get over it and go on. I have NO PATIENCE for “poor me”s

27) What shirt are you wearing?
blue sleep tank

28) Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
No, they slide off. You slide off. The pillows slide off.

29) Can you whistle?
Yes I can

32) What songs do you sing in the shower?
I don’t sing in the shower.

33) Favorite girl’s name?
I don’t think I have a favorite girl…

34) Favorite boy’s name?
Well, I have several favorite boys – men…Hunny & my sons, so it’d be Tony, Mark & Shayne 🙂

35) What’s in your pocket?
no pockets in jammies

36) Last person that made you laugh?
Hunny

37) Best toy as a child?
The weeping willow in the front yard was pretty well even with the big oak on the side of the house, until we moved. Then it was the mulberry tree in the back yard

39) Do you love where you live?
Hmmmm, the house..? Pretty much, could be a little bigger. The location, better than the city, not as good as the boonies…

40) Do you give good advice?
I try.

41) Who is your loudest friend?
Ummmm, most of my “friends” are titty dancers – they’re all pretty loud

43) Does someone have a crush on you?
not that I’m aware of.

44) Favorite part about your weekend?
I work harder on the weekend than I do doing the week…

45) What are you gonna do for your next birthday?
Probably the same thing I did a month ago on my last one – SSDD

46) Favorite sports team?
I am sports challenged (by choice) and proud of it! Obviously, the person writing these questions didn’t know me.

48) Where is the next place you want to travel to?
Haven’t really given it any thought. No money for travel, and not much possibility of there being any anytime soon, so consideration of it is just depressing

49) What were you doing 12 AM this morning?
trying to sleep

50) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
I can’t believe that boy isn’t up yet!

In Praise of HH Gregg – Chapter 5

March 9, 2009

When last we checked in on our heroine, she was moving from the House of the Plants….LOL

Ok, We thought we had hit paydirt when we found the house we moved to. Nice neighborhood, out of Indy, good school district, close to friends, etc. And it was huge! 25600 sq. feet! What does a family of three need with 2600 sq feet? you ask. Well, somehow we have acquired a lot of “stuffs.” A lot. And you know, I’ve pared down with each move…

Oh wait – this is “In praise of HH Gregg” isn’t it? Remember I mentioned the dishwasher at the House of the Plants died..? Well after the first flood experience (I think we ended up with a total of 4 floods while there…) we decided that it would just be easier to use ours. It was new – well relatively new, we had bought it at the demon store (for you newcomers, that’s Best Buy) less than 2 months before we moved. So Hunny took the one that came with the house out to the huge shed, and put ours in. I was excited! I loaded ‘er up & turned ‘er on. 15 minutes later, I found water on the kitchen floor. A lot of it. (But not one of the aforementioned floods). The dishwasher was leaking. No biggie. Would be an inconvenience for a few days, maybe a week, but I had a warranty! 

I called the demon store, they referred me to the manufacturer. I called the manufacturer, they referred me to a repair company they use. I called the repair company & made a warranty appointment for someone to come look at/fix it. A week later the repair guy informs me the seal . is bad, no way to fix, will have to replace. Ok, so maybe it’ll be a little more inconvenient than I thought – but still not so bad…But here is where I had to go back to the demon store. I shouldn’t have had to, the repaid guy called his company, who called the manufacturer, who contacted the demon store to tell them to replace it. Per the manufacturer, all I had to do was call them to schedule a time for them to bring out & install the replacement. If only that had been the case.

Me: Hi, I was told by (mfg) to call and schedule a time for you to bring out a replacement dishwasher & hook it up.”
demon store employee:”Oh, ok, let me transfer you to the appliance dept. They would set that up.”
Me: “Ok.”

**sitting on ignore, listening to bad music & even worse ads.

Next demon store employee: “Appliance dept, can I help you?”
Me: Hi, I was told by (mfg) to call and schedule a time for you to bring out a replacement dishwasher & hook it up.”
Employee: ”Ok, I just need to look up your warranty info.”
Me: ? Ummmm, I don’t really need warranty service. I already had service, and it’s been determined that it needs replaced. By the manufacturer.”
Employee: “Well, store policy says I have to follow these steps…I need your name, the item in question and the date of purchase.”
Me: “Oooooookaaaay…” and gave the requested info.,
Employee: “I show that was a (mfg) dishwasher,(model), that was purchased at this store, on (date), and taken the same day. We didn’t deliver or install it.”
Me: “Yes…”
Employee: “When would you like to bring in the bad one and pick up the replacement?”
Me: “Ummmm, according to (mfg) you guys are supposed to be bringing me a new one and installing it…”
Employee: “Oh no, unless we delivered and installed the original, we don’t do that. You’ll have to bring us the other one & pick up the replacement here.”
Me: “But (mfg) has told me that they are replacing it, and told me to schedule a time for you to bring it & hook it up..”

Do you see where this is going..?

Employee: “I’m sorry if there was a misunderstanding…”
Me: “What misunderstanding? (Mfg) said to me – ‘Call the store where you purchased the dishwasher and schedule a time for them to bring you a new one & install it. We are truly sorry you’ve had an issue with this one, but our policy is to make it right :)’ I’m not sure which part of that was misunderstood by me..? It seems pretty straightforward..”
Employee: “We’ll be happy to bring it out and install it for you –
    Finally! Wait – that was too easy…
There is a $50 delivery/installation fee. Do you want to pay that now with a credit card?”
Me: “Ummm, is there a manager there?”
Employee: “I can check that for you..”

**Back on ignore for 10 minutes.

Demon store Manager: “Hi. My name is (name) and I’m a manager here at Best Buy (really?) I understand you have some questions about our warranty replacement policy?”
Me: “Ummm, no, I don’t have any questions. (Mfg) has determined that the dishwasher you sold me two months ago needs replaced. The seal around the door is bad and can’t be replaced. So they are replacing the whole unit. They have told me to call you & schedule the replacement. Delivery & install. Your employee wants me to pay for the delivery/install portion of that.”
Manager: “Hmmm,well let’s look at the original purchase…”

***clicking of computer keys
Manager: “Ok, I show that it was a (mfg) dishwasher,(model), that was purchased at this store, and taken the same day. We didn’t deliver or install it.”
Me: “Yes, we’ve already determined that…”
Manager: “ Oh well, I apologize, but our policy is unless we delivered and installed the original, we don’t do that. You’ll have to bring us the other one & pick up the replacement here.”
Me: “Ok, guess I’ll just go back to (mfg) and get this straightened out…”

I called the mfg back to clarify what I was contacting the demon store about. They said I needed to schedule delivery & installation, on them. I explained what I had been through. The little gal apologized profusely, and contacted the demon store while I held. She informed me it was “all straightened out” and I could schedule that service now.

Do you see where this is going..? It took two more weeks and I-don’t-know-how-many more phone calls to get this accomplished. On one call, the mfg did a conference call, I heard them tell the demon store manager that they were  replacing the dishwasher, at their expense, including delivery of new unit, installation and removal of old unit, The manager “noted” it & referred me to the appliance dept to schedule. I had a repeat of the above conversation…Finally the mfg called and scheduled it, and about 4 weeks after it broke, I got my dishwasher replaced.

You see..? I always buy the warranty – and for good reason.

Damm! I’m outta time again, and haven’t even gotten moved yet…LOL. Oh well, such is life, and patience is a virtue! Gotta go get ready for work, again! So…to be continued!

See ya laterzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!

women~tag8b~michele~eye4expressionsjodi         

  

In Praise of HH Gregg – Chapter 5

March 9, 2009

When last we checked in on our heroine, she was moving from the House of the Plants….LOL

Ok, We thought we had hit paydirt when we found the house we moved to. Nice neighborhood, out of Indy, good school district, close to friends, etc. And it was huge! 25600 sq. feet! What does a family of three need with 2600 sq feet? you ask. Well, somehow we have acquired a lot of “stuffs.” A lot. And you know, I’ve pared down with each move…

Oh wait – this is “In praise of HH Gregg” isn’t it? Remember I mentioned the dishwasher at the House of the Plants died..? Well after the first flood experience (I think we ended up with a total of 4 floods while there…) we decided that it would just be easier to use ours. It was new – well relatively new, we had bought it at the demon store (for you newcomers, that’s Best Buy) less than 2 months before we moved. So Hunny took the one that came with the house out to the huge shed, and put ours in. I was excited! I loaded ‘er up & turned ‘er on. 15 minutes later, I found water on the kitchen floor. A lot of it. (But not one of the aforementioned floods). The dishwasher was leaking. No biggie. Would be an inconvenience for a few days, maybe a week, but I had a warranty! 

I called the demon store, they referred me to the manufacturer. I called the manufacturer, they referred me to a repair company they use. I called the repair company & made a warranty appointment for someone to come look at/fix it. A week later the repair guy informs me the seal . is bad, no way to fix, will have to replace. Ok, so maybe it’ll be a little more inconvenient than I thought – but still not so bad…But here is where I had to go back to the demon store. I shouldn’t have had to, the repaid guy called his company, who called the manufacturer, who contacted the demon store to tell them to replace it. Per the manufacturer, all I had to do was call them to schedule a time for them to bring out & install the replacement. If only that had been the case.

Me: Hi, I was told by (mfg) to call and schedule a time for you to bring out a replacement dishwasher & hook it up.”
demon store employee:”Oh, ok, let me transfer you to the appliance dept. They would set that up.”
Me: “Ok.”

**sitting on ignore, listening to bad music & even worse ads.

Next demon store employee: “Appliance dept, can I help you?”
Me: Hi, I was told by (mfg) to call and schedule a time for you to bring out a replacement dishwasher & hook it up.”
Employee: ”Ok, I just need to look up your warranty info.”
Me: ? Ummmm, I don’t really need warranty service. I already had service, and it’s been determined that it needs replaced. By the manufacturer.”
Employee: “Well, store policy says I have to follow these steps…I need your name, the item in question and the date of purchase.”
Me: “Oooooookaaaay…” and gave the requested info.,
Employee: “I show that was a (mfg) dishwasher,(model), that was purchased at this store, on (date), and taken the same day. We didn’t deliver or install it.”
Me: “Yes…”
Employee: “When would you like to bring in the bad one and pick up the replacement?”
Me: “Ummmm, according to (mfg) you guys are supposed to be bringing me a new one and installing it…”
Employee: “Oh no, unless we delivered and installed the original, we don’t do that. You’ll have to bring us the other one & pick up the replacement here.”
Me: “But (mfg) has told me that they are replacing it, and told me to schedule a time for you to bring it & hook it up..”

Do you see where this is going..?

Employee: “I’m sorry if there was a misunderstanding…”
Me: “What misunderstanding? (Mfg) said to me – ‘Call the store where you purchased the dishwasher and schedule a time for them to bring you a new one & install it. We are truly sorry you’ve had an issue with this one, but our policy is to make it right :)’ I’m not sure which part of that was misunderstood by me..? It seems pretty straightforward..”
Employee: “We’ll be happy to bring it out and install it for you –
    Finally! Wait – that was too easy…
There is a $50 delivery/installation fee. Do you want to pay that now with a credit card?”
Me: “Ummm, is there a manager there?”
Employee: “I can check that for you..”

**Back on ignore for 10 minutes.

Demon store Manager: “Hi. My name is (name) and I’m a manager here at Best Buy (really?) I understand you have some questions about our warranty replacement policy?”
Me: “Ummm, no, I don’t have any questions. (Mfg) has determined that the dishwasher you sold me two months ago needs replaced. The seal around the door is bad and can’t be replaced. So they are replacing the whole unit. They have told me to call you & schedule the replacement. Delivery & install. Your employee wants me to pay for the delivery/install portion of that.”
Manager: “Hmmm,well let’s look at the original purchase…”

***clicking of computer keys
Manager: “Ok, I show that it was a (mfg) dishwasher,(model), that was purchased at this store, and taken the same day. We didn’t deliver or install it.”
Me: “Yes, we’ve already determined that…”
Manager: “ Oh well, I apologize, but our policy is unless we delivered and installed the original, we don’t do that. You’ll have to bring us the other one & pick up the replacement here.”
Me: “Ok, guess I’ll just go back to (mfg) and get this straightened out…”

I called the mfg back to clarify what I was contacting the demon store about. They said I needed to schedule delivery & installation, on them. I explained what I had been through. The little gal apologized profusely, and contacted the demon store while I held. She informed me it was “all straightened out” and I could schedule that service now.

Do you see where this is going..? It took two more weeks and I-don’t-know-how-many more phone calls to get this accomplished. On one call, the mfg did a conference call, I heard them tell the demon store manager that they were  replacing the dishwasher, at their expense, including delivery of new unit, installation and removal of old unit, The manager “noted” it & referred me to the appliance dept to schedule. I had a repeat of the above conversation…Finally the mfg called and scheduled it, and about 4 weeks after it broke, I got my dishwasher replaced.

You see..? I always buy the warranty – and for good reason.

Damm! I’m outta time again, and haven’t even gotten moved yet…LOL. Oh well, such is life, and patience is a virtue! Gotta go get ready for work, again! So…to be continued!

See ya laterzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!

women~tag8b~michele~eye4expressionsjodi         

  

In Praise of HH Gregg – Continuation

February 25, 2009

OK, where was I..? Oh yeah, we’ve gotten through the Sunfire & The Monte…Next in line was the SUV I had for 3 days – Hunny said the payment was too high & it went back. So did the Pontiac Bonnevile, which he didn’t like. Don’t misunderstand, he didn’t MAKE me take them back, it was just easier than listening to him for the next I-dunno-how-many years. Since we’re talking about my luck with things mechanical, I’d like to add that the Bonneville, which I had for 4 days, had the gas tank replaced while in my possession…

the next vehicle was the Ford Explorer. That needed new shocks all the way around, and was a major gas hog. Since I drove from my house to drop the boy off at the baby sitter’s, 18 miles one way, then back to my house – okay 4 blocks from the house – to work, then back to get him & back home, that became an issue quickly…my babysitter, who I had also thought was a good friend, needed a vehicle, so I sold it to her on payments (no, I never learn…) That story will be included with the Firebird story…

I then bought a Malibu, Better gas mileage. Some old man ran a red light & t-boned me 6 months later. Probably the best car I’ve had recently was the one I traded the wrecked Malibu for. It was a 2001 Intrepid. I loved that car…handled like a Camaro, rode like a Cadillac. Someone in the parking garage ran into it & then took off, so I came out from work to find it wrecked. The Intrepid was traded for a Hyundai Sonata. That And the “buttons” quit working. I took it back to the dealership, and they essentially said “Unless they could reproduce the issue, as far as they were concerned, there wasn’t one…so I went down the road & traded it for my first brand new car.

I was so excited! It was a 2005 Impala. 13 miles on it. I had it for almost a year. During that time I had it in the shop 3 times for the gas mileage (my best mileage was 16 mpg highway…), and had the rear window replaced because the seal wasn’t seated around it properly. Then, Hunny was taking the older boy back home (about 50 miles away) on a cold, rainy night in December. About 30 minutes after they left, I got a phone call. So, at 11:00 at night, on a cold, rainy December night, I had to get my then three year old back up out of bed and go get Hunny & the older boy. The car caught on fire while driving down the interstate, in the rain.

Impala Remains 
The view when approached from the rear,

Impala Driver side
From the driver’s side, 

Impala Interior 
The remains of the interior.

Impala Front 
From the front

Yeah, that’s what is left when a 2005 Impala catches on fire going down the road in the rain…The car I currently have is what I replaced the Impala with. I won’t go into all the gruesome details, I’ve already given most of the experiences I’ve had with it here, here, and here

Ok, outta time for today, gotta go get ready for work. But, I will eventually get to the point, and actually get to the HH Gregg part, I promise! So, to be continued……

See ya laterzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!

PS, did I mention we now have added a Beta fish to our growing menagerie..? I didn’t..? Oh, well consider it mentioned 🙂

Windy3~AL2005

In Praise of HH Gregg

February 23, 2009

Yes, I’m aware I’ve been woefully negligent regarding posting here. But really there haven’t been many blog worthy moments in my life lately. The notable exception was the breakage and (eventual) repair of my washer. I always buy the warranty. I know better than not to. . .my luck with things mechanical, expensive, or badly wanted before gotten is shall we say not the best..? Better yet, let’s just say it like it is – horrible. And this isn’t a new occurrence, it’s been going on for years…

Back in 1999, my Firebird got wrecked, again (neither time my doing, I’d like to add) and I decided it was time to replace her. She’d seen better days. I ended up selling her to my sister-in-law. I went to the dealership and found a nice little 1997 Pontiac Sunfire. Only two years old, and less than 30,000 miles! It was the newest car I had even owned. After a week, I noticed the stereo controls on the steering wheel were getting hot. VERY hot. Almost to the point of blistering you if you touched them. I took it to the dealer, found it need not just new steering controls, but a whole new stereo. Two weeks to order in parts, so into a rental car I went. When the kid showed up with the rental car, I think I may have frightened him a bit…I have been told that I am a bit intimidating on the best of days. That wasn’t a “best” day…I had worked 8 hours, had sat at the dealership for 2 more hours, waiting on a diagnosis for the car I had bought ONE WEEK ago – hadn’t even made the first payment on it! and the kid from Enterprise showed up in a roller skate. Yeah, you read the right, a roller skate –

geo-metro I’ll leave the actual conversation to your imagination, suffice it to say, when the kid came back with a real car, he brought 3 others with him…

So, two weeks later I got my new car back. I drove all of 1/2 a block and found the front was wobbling & clunking. I turned around and went back to the dealership, just to have some redneck mechanic *****try to tell me that it was caused by tar on my tires. ?! Are you serious..? Now I know I have bumps in my shirt and so couldn’t possibly have any kind of mechanical knowledge, but really? TAR? On the TIRES? of a car that has been sitting at your dealership for the last two weeks? That wasn’t doing it when I left it..? Ok, for the sake possible, I took it home, let Hunny drive it. I checked the tires for possible tar…uhhhh, no tar. But definitely clunking & wobbling. The next day back to the dealership I went. To sit. And wait. Again.
And again I got the redneck-talking-slowly-to-a-person-with-bumps-in-the-shirt spiel about tar on the tires. Now I’m pretty tolerant (what..? I AM!) and pretty well blew it off the first time. However, not happening twice.

Redneck: Yeah, that there wobble would be from where you done run it over some freshly repaired road & picked up a little bit of tar on the tires.”
Me: “Really? You think that’s what it is..?”
Redneck: ”Oh yeah, I’m sure of it! See it all the time!”
Me: “Wow, that’s funny, because it’s been HERE for the last two weeks while you repaired the stereo.”
Redneck: “Well, you musta picked it up after you left.”
Me: “I went 1/2 mile down that road (pointing to the NOT RECENTLY REPAIRED six lane rod that runs in front of the shop), then brought it back because of this.”
Redneck:” Well there had to have been something out there..”
Me: “Well, let’s go for a ride and you can show me the new repairs…”
Redneck: *starting to look uncomfortable*“Nah, can’t do that, gotta stay at the shop.”
Me: “Okay, well then let’s walk over to the car, and you can show me where the tar is at, so I can remove it & make it drive correctly..”
Redneck: “Well, a lot of times, it gets stuck up on the inside of the wheels where you can’t get to it.”
Me: “?”
Redneck: *looking even more uncomfortable, and starting to realize the bumps didn’t affect the brain in this instance**“Well, it happens all the time…”
Me: “Where’s the manager..?”
Redneck: “Ahhhh, he’s not here today.”
Me: “Really..?”

So I took myself up front to the sales service department and asked for the garage manager – who btw WAS there. After a 15 minute conversation, during which I gave him the gist of the previous conversation, he went out to the shop and drove the car a short ways. When he returned he indicated they would need to keep it to determine the problem. And yes, there was a problem. Turns out, in addition to the stereo stuff, it also needed new brakes, rotors & the rack & pinion replaced. Another four week stay. Another four weeks in a rental car.

And so it goes. After about a year of owning this car, I decided once and for all that I don’t like little cars. Did I mention I was backing out of the garage and hit Hunny’s truck..? In my defense, I had three teen-agers in the car with me…insurance fixed it, but a friend that owned a body shop did it as cheaply as possible so I didn’t have to pay the deductible…

Anywho, I went back to the dealership & traded it in on a 1998 Monte Carlo. Much bigger, more comfortable, price about the same. Three months after the purchase it started knocking. Loudly. Essentially overnight. It was “chugging” rather than purring. Down to the dealership I go. It was something to do with the coil pack. Not covered by the warranty (yes, I bought it) as it was considered general maintenance, part of the tune up process. $500 to repair…

Ok, gotta go beat the boy (joking!) who has managed to lock himself OUT of his room, and get ready for work. I will be back – and it’ll be less than 2 months, I promise. so, to be continued…..

See ya laterzzzzzzzzzzzz

* **** Know you, I have nothing against rednecks in general – Hell, I am one, as is my Hunny, most of our friends, my older children, and the boy is a redneck-in-training. The redneck men around me know not to talk down to me just because I have bumps in my shirt…The ones who have to interact with me may underestimate me initially (an advantage for me!) but soon learn their mistake. Usually I blow it off, but occasionally, as in the above example, it rankles…

😉

Edit: Yes, I know, this has nothing to do with HH Gregg – I’ll get there, eventually – LOL

Dear Red States…

November 2, 2008

Got this as an email forward, and felt an overwhelming need to share it here…<EG>

Dear Red States:

If you manage to steal this election too we’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren’t aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly:

  • You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
  • We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
  • We get the Statue of Liberty.
  • You get Dollywood.
  • We get Intel and Microsoft.
  • You get WorldCom.
  • We get Harvard.
  • You get ‘Ole Miss.
  • We get 85% of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs.
  • You get Alabama.
  • We get two-thirds of the tax revenue.
  • You get to make the red states pay their fair share.
  • Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families.
  • You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country’s fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95% of America’s quality wines, 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, 95% of the corn and soybeans (thanks Iowa!), most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy League and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you. Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% believe that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

Finally, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico

Peace out,
Blue States

From the Grimoire of a Blond Witch

May 29, 2008
How to Turn Your Wardrobe Black

Needed:
Dark sunglasses
Late at night, close all the curtains and turn off all the lights. In your bedroom, open all your drawers and closet doors. Stand in the center of your bedroom with sunglasses in your hand. Close your eyes and say:

“Hocus bogus Color out of focus!”

Carefully put on your sunglasses and open your eyes. Your wardrobe should now appear black.
*PLEASE NOTE: This spell will only last as long as it is dark.

Giggle Fits

She may already be unintelligent but the giggle fits will rid her of the finer gents And bring to notice your wit and charm. When she is in plain view, spew:

“Giggle wiggle,

Start as a gentle tickle,

Down her ribs to her belly hollow.

Tickle harder and make her holler!”

Proper Hair Removal

If the razor burns and the waxing hurts and still the mustache prevails, then chant this spell that rids all of your woeful hairy ails.

“By dungeon dust
And oxen musk,
I so here decry!
My hairy lip
And legs to slip,
Smooth of pip,
And soft to thine eye.”

Banishing Circles

Casting circles takes little effort for the well bred blond. Unfortunately, we are rarely told how to banish circles once they have set in. Covering circles with a foundation is highly discouraged because of the element of water which would make the circles reappear. To properly banish circles under the eyes, thinly slice an unused cucumber. Place a slice over both (two) eyes while lying down.
Chant:

“Ooooooo…
Ahhhh……
Mmm…..”

Disclaimer: No one involved in this blog or its contents may be held responsible for any adverse reactions arising from following any of the instructions/recipes on this list. It is the reader’s personal responsibility to exercise all precautions and use his or her own discretion if following any instructions or advice from this blog.